In the Financial Planning industry, the hot word on the street is that empathy and empathetic listening are critical components to a successful financial planning relationship with clients. It’s not only important for helping the client to feel heard and understood, but it is also critical when crafting customized recommendations that fits both their practical and emotional circumstances.
I couldn’t be a bigger advocate for the statements I wrote above and believe anyone in a position of advising, supporting, and educating individuals about their finances would greatly benefit from focusing significant effort on improving these skills and sensibilities. However, as with all things in life, too much of a good thing can have its downsides as well.
I’ve learned over the years in exploring my self-identity and through therapy that I am a natural-born empath. I have scored off the charts of every empathy test I’ve ever taken. I cry at least once every day out of either happiness or sadness that is not my own, but from someone else’s circumstances. It’s rare that I get through a movie trailer without crying. The joyous roar of a crowd at live concerts and sporting events requires a whole pack of tissues for me.
Over time, I’ve learned that limiting my exposure to consistently pessimistic content or guttingly sad life circumstances is important for my own functioning. Honestly, I don’t know how psychiatrists manage such painful life stories day in and day out. Unfortunately, in the past, prior to having clarity about this, I would unconsciously avoid interacting with friends whose suffering extended beyond a certain short timeframe. I could always be there for them initially, but I have been accused of being a “bad friend” when my support slowly dwindled off. I’m not proud of this, in fact, I have a significant amount of guilt around it. I identify as a “good friend,” so this doesn’t align.
Clearly, avoidance of financial clients during extended periods of rough times would be detrimental to the relationship, but recently, I’ve learned about another surprising downside of being highly empathetic that never occurred to me before.
My new friend, Brian Cooper, a Master Coach with ProAdvisor Coach, introduced me to an interesting assessment called MindScan that assesses the way that you think. It covers both the perspectives you have about the external world, as well as the internal, and covers areas such as empathy, practical and structural thinking, role awareness, and self-direction. A wonderful report is produced identifying your natural strengths, as well as areas to focus on to improve or to outsource to others who excel in those areas.
Not surprisingly, this assessment indicated that I am highly empathetic and can very quickly and easily understand a person’s feelings and perspectives of their own circumstances. I’m very good at seeing many angles of a situation and understanding the reasons for many points of view, which leads me to adjust my communication in ways that better suit the individual and make them feel comfortable.
Even though this is my superpower, my report alerted me to a significant blind spot that I can now see has occasionally caused frustration and implied the opposite of my intention. I’m guessing this is something other financial planners have experienced but may not have been aware of, hence the blog article.
Because of my superpower, I can quickly and accurately understand the feelings and perspectives the individual has, without a lot of extended explanation. Saying this “out loud” makes me cringe because it sounds boastful, but the truth is my intuition has always been shockingly accurate…I only wish I had listened to it more in my youth. With this quick clarity, I tend to be ready to move on and discuss how they might like to address the situation. To the individual, this can look and feel dismissive, particularly if they feel they haven’t fully shared all the details or have even fully processed the circumstances themselves. This is the absolute opposite of my intention and how I’m feeling at the moment. I care very deeply (some might say too deeply) about their feelings and perspectives, and I want nothing more than to support what’s best for them.
We’re not just listening to gather the information for ourselves, but we’re holding space to allow the individual to process their emotions and thoughts. Share on XYes, it’s true….even highly empathetic individuals can jump to solutions too quickly. The advice I was provided to improve in this area was twofold.
- Slow down and allow the individual to “process out loud” and share what they feel is important to share. We’re not just listening to gather the information for ourselves, but we’re holding space to allow the individual to process their emotions and thoughts. Jumping in too early can communicate the opposite of what you’re trying to convey as a fiduciary.
- Reflect back on what you hear and learn about their feelings and perspectives to not only help demonstrate your understanding but also to clarify that your reading of them is accurate.
Human interaction and what makes for effective and successful relationships is endlessly fascinating to me. It still amazes me that after over two decades of focus on this topic, there is still so much to learn. It is my belief that great financial planners dedicate themselves to life-long learning in the pursuit of continued improvement in effective communication.
- Amy N. Mullen, CFP®