Derek Hagen, CFA, CFP®, FBS®, CFT™
“Listen with a goal of understanding others and letting them know you understand.”
-William Miller
We’ve all been there. A client starts telling their story, and before they even finish the first sentence, we already know what to say. We know the insight they need. We know the path forward. But in that moment—if we jump in—we stop listening.
That’s where good listening becomes a balancing act. On one side is curiosity, the sincere desire to understand. On the other side is restraint, the ability to hold back our brilliant ideas just long enough for the client to feel heard.
Curiosity
Curiosity is what gets us to lean in. It’s what helps us suspend judgment and ask better questions. When we’re truly curious, we’re not trying to catch our client in a mistake or redirect them to our agenda. We’re following the thread of their story, asking ourselves, “Where does this go?”
Curiosity leads to better questions, better reflections, and stronger relationships. It’s not about solving a problem—it’s about exploring it with them.
The trick is: when we approach a client interaction with the mindset of an investigator, we stay open to learning. Curiosity keeps us from assuming. Instead of saying “That doesn’t make sense,” we ask, “I wonder why they said that.”
Think of it like putting on a curiosity hat.
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Restraint
But curiosity isn’t enough. If we let it run unchecked, it can quickly turn into problem-solving. We ask a question, get a glimmer of understanding, and then jump in with advice. That’s the righting reflex (or the fixing reflex) at work—the instinct to correct, fix, or steer. And even when our advice is technically right, the timing might be wrong.
This reflex is common in helping professions. We want to be helpful. But offering solutions too soon—especially when motivation is still low—often leads to resistance.
One way to think about this is through readiness vs. desire to help. Clients aren’t always ready to act. Readiness increases over time as motivation builds. But our desire to help? It usually starts high—and sometimes drops when we feel unheard or ineffective. That gap in timing is what we call the righting reflex gap.
Curiosity opens the door. Restraint keeps us from slamming it shut with premature advice. Good listening is what happens in the space between those two forces. It’s not just about holding back—it’s about letting your curiosity guide the conversation forward, one thoughtful reflection at a time.
When we strike that balance, clients don’t just hear our advice—they feel understood. And that’s the kind of listening that makes change possible.
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References and Influences
Klontz, Brad, Rick Kahler & Ted Klontz: Facilitating Financial Health
Miller, William: Listening Well
Miller, William & Stephen Rollnick: Motivational Interviewing
Rosenberg, Marshall: Nonviolent Communication
Sofer, Oren Jay: Say What You Mean
Solin, Dan: Ask