Derek Hagen, CFA, CFP®, FBS®, CFT™
“Listening is invisible until you show it.”
I’ve always prided myself on being a good listener. I’m the type of person who can bring a conversation back on track if someone gets distracted, and I tend to remember what people share with me. When someone talks, their words stick with me.
Or so I thought.
Recently, I was reminded that good listening isn’t just about retaining information. I was catching up with my good friend Noelle over dinner. She started opening up about her past and sharing some of the difficult experiences she been through lately. As she talked, I remembered something I wanted to share with her once she finished, so I pulled out my phone to look it up.
Suddenly, Noelle put her hand on my shoulder and shook me. “Are you even listening to me right now?” she asked.
Woah. Of course, I was listening—and I could repeat every single word she said. But in that moment, I realized that listening isn’t enough. What matters just as much is whether the speaker feels listened to.
The Two Components of Good Listening
Good listening has two essential parts:
- Actually listening.
- Showing the speaker that you’re listening.
If we’re only focused on listening and not showing it, we land in what I call Zone 1. This is where I used to live—fully engaged internally but giving no outward sign of it. In Zone 1, no matter how much we care, the speaker may feel unheard or misunderstood.
But we also don’t want to swing too far the other way. Zone 2 is where someone looks like they’re listening but isn’t. This is performative listening—using techniques to appear engaged without actually absorbing the conversation. While Zone 2 might temporarily make the speaker feel heard, it’s a shallow connection at best.
The sweet spot is Zone 3, where listening and showing you’re listening intersect. In Zone 3, the speaker feels genuinely heard, understood, and valued. This is where we want to be.
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How to Show You’re Listening
istening is an invisible act until we communicate it. To move into Zone 3, we need to combine curiosity with deliberate actions that demonstrate engagement.
One of the best ways to show that you’re listening is to lead with curiosity. Recently, I heard the term directed curiosity, which means being curious with intent. When we approach conversations with genuine interest, we naturally ask better questions and engage more fully.
A simple framework to help you communicate your listening is the acronym SOFTEN:
- Smile
- Use an Open posture
- Lean Forward
- Use a warm Tone
- Maintain Eye contact
- Occasionally Nod
These small but powerful actions signal to the speaker that they have your full attention. The SOFTEN approach enhances active listening, showing empathy and engagement while making the speaker feel valued.
Listening is more than hearing words; it’s about connection. When we combine the act of listening with intentional behaviors that demonstrate engagement, we help the speaker feel seen, heard, and understood.
It’s not just about being a good listener—it’s about being perceived as one. That’s what turns a conversation into a meaningful exchange and transforms our relationships.
So the next time someone opens up to you, don’t just listen. Show them you’re listening.
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References and Influences
Klontz, Brad, Rick Kahler & Ted Klontz: Facilitating Financial Health
Klontz, Brad & Ted Klontz: Mind Over Money
Miller, William: Listening Well
Miller, William & Stephen Rollnick: Motivational Interviewing
Rosenberg, Marshall: Nonviolent Communication