Derek Hagen, CFA, CFP®, FBS®, CFT™

“The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness… The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the ‘rat race.'”

-David Foster Wallace

If clients don’t recognize the water they’re swimming in, they can’t choose their direction.

The Water Clients Don’t See (And Advisors Often Miss)

In the cartoon Archer, Sterling casually tells a coworker to take his shoes to his shoemaker.

“You have a shoemaker?” the coworker asks.

Sterling replies, genuinely confused, “Do you not?”

The humor comes from oblivious privilege. But beneath the joke is something deeper: we assume our normal is universal.

Your clients do this… And so do you.

David Foster Wallace’s “This Is Water” metaphor captures it perfectly: fish don’t notice the water they’re swimming in because it’s everywhere. It feels like reality.

Money works the same way.

Most clients don’t consciously choose their financial assumptions. They inherit and normalize them.

And unless someone helps them see that water, they will continue swimming in it, convinced it’s simply “how things are.”

The Default Setting in Financial Planning Conversations

Most clients don’t wake up one day and decide to join the rat race. They drift into it.

The default setting defines success before they’ve ever examined it:

What kind of house is “normal”
What retirement is “supposed” to look like
What spending level signals “doing well”
What career path is respectable
What lifestyle inflation is expected

These expectations aren’t chosen. They’re absorbed.

And here’s the subtle danger for advisors: If we only optimize within the client’s current assumptions, we may help them swim faster, but never question the water.

The most powerful part is that it doesn’t feel like comparison. It feels like truth.

Mimetic Desire and the Herd Effect

Humans are wired for survival. For most of history, survival was enough.

Now the problem is different: deciding how to live well.

And when we don’t know how to define “well,” we look sideways. Psychologists refer to this as mimetic desire — wanting what others want because they want it. In everyday language, it’s “keeping up with the Joneses.”

Advertising amplifies it. Social media magnifies it. Professional peer groups normalize it.

Clients pick up cues about:
What their family system normalizes
What success looks like
How busy they should be
What retirement “means”
What spending level signals status
What their profession expects
What their family system normalizes

The most powerful part is that it doesn’t feel like comparison. It feels like truth.

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Awareness Is the Real Value We Provide

The goal isn’t to drag clients out of the water. It’s to help them see it. You don’t need to dismantle their lifestyle, ambitions, or position yourself as enlightened.

You simply help them notice.

This is where financial life planning differs from traditional planning.

Traditional planning asks:

How do we optimize?
How do we increase efficiency?
How do we reduce taxes?
How do we maximize returns?

Financial life planning also asks:

Where did this definition of success come from?
Is this spending automatic or intentional?
If no one could see this choice, would you still make it?
What assumptions about money have you never questioned?
If you changed environments, would your goals change?

Without reflection, clients sleepwalk through:

Lifestyle inflation
Career escalation
Status-driven spending
Inherited money scripts
Social comparison

And sometimes it even feels good. Like water to a fish. Water isn’t the enemy. But swimming unconsciously is. If clients don’t recognize the current, they aren’t steering. They’re drifting.

Your work isn’t just about building better portfolios. It’s to create awareness. Because awareness creates something far more powerful than optimization: It creates agency.

The Freedom to Choose a Direction

Wallace argued that real freedom involves attention and awareness.

That applies to clients. And it applies to us.

Financial planning at its best isn’t about escaping the water. It’s about recognizing it. Once clients can see the forces shaping them, they don’t have to reject everything familiar. They simply get to choose more consciously within it.

And that may be the most meaningful value we provide.

FAQ: Emotional Intelligence in Financial Planning

Why does emotional intelligence come before financial advice?

Clients need to feel emotionally safe and understood before they can engage with advice. EQ builds trust and makes space for real implementation.

What happens when advice is given without empathy?

Even smart recommendations can backfire when delivered without emotional attunement. Clients may resist or feel disconnected from advice that lacks empathy.

How does EQ help clients take action?

EQ helps uncover emotional resistance and reconnects clients with their values. This unlocks motivation and creates the emotional clarity needed to act.

Can emotional intelligence be learned by financial professionals?

Yes. EQ is a skill that sharpens with practice—especially through mindful listening, reflection, and awareness of emotional dynamics in client conversations.

What’s the difference between EQ and IQ in client work?

IQ helps you analyze and plan. EQ helps you connect and deliver that plan effectively. Without EQ, even great advice may not land.

Want to Learn More?

Money Quotient trains financial professionals in the True Wealth process and helps them implement the concepts into their practices. The first step is to learn about the Fundamentals of True Wealth Planning.