Derek Hagen, CFA, CFP®, FBS®, CFT™

“The whole point of growth mindset is to focus on process. It’s about focusing on hard work, strategies, perseverance, and improvement.”

-Carol Dweck

I’m sitting in the dentist’s chair, waiting to be judged. My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty. I know what’s coming: shame.

I had avoided the dentist for years. Growing up, dental care wasn’t in the budget, and as a result, I developed poor teeth. That led to a downward spiral—bad teeth kept me from going to the dentist, which only made my teeth worse, which gave me even more reason to avoid the dentist.

Eventually, I decided to face the music and made an appointment. But my worst fears came true—the dentist didn’t just confirm what I already knew (that my teeth were bad); they made me feel bad for it. So I avoided the dentist for several more years.

Until now.

Now, I’m in the chair again, bracing for judgment. But this time, something unexpected happens. Instead of shaming me, the dentist acknowledges my decision to come in. He even points out a few teeth that are in good shape and compliments my efforts.

Of course, he still addresses the work that needs to be done and helps me prioritize it, but he starts by affirming the positive steps I had already taken.

That small shift—affirming what I had done right—was powerful. It motivated me to keep showing up.

This dentist understood the power of affirmations.

OARS Skills and Reflective Listening

If you’ve ever practiced mindfulness meditation, you know how difficult it is to focus on a single thought. Our minds are flooded with tens of thousands of thoughts each day, many of them negative. Unarticulated thoughts jumble together, making it hard to recognize what we truly want.

Your clients experience this too. They might feel stuck, pulled in different directions, or uncertain about what they should do. They may even look to others—society, peers, or the ever-present “Joneses”—for cues. Without clarity, they’re like a boat drifting without an anchor.

This is where reflective listening comes in. When we reflect back what our clients say, we help them hear their own thoughts more clearly. They can sort through what matters to them, articulate their values, and begin charting a course forward.

In Motivational Interviewing (MI), these reflective listening skills are known as OARS:

• Open-ended questions
• Affirmations
• Reflections
• Summaries

Using OARS helps clients define what they want, uncover their motivations, and take meaningful action.

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Don’t Overlook Affirmations

Reflections and summaries tend to get the most attention in reflective listening—after all, “reflective” is right there in the name. But affirmations are just as crucial.

Clients do things right. Clients do make progress. If we only focus on what they haven’t done or where they need improvement, we miss an opportunity to reinforce motivation.

For example, let’s say a client tells you they didn’t call an estate planning attorney because they were overwhelmed by the number of choices. Instead of focusing on what they didn’t do, affirm what they did do:

“It sounds like you took the time to research estate planning attorneys—that’s a great first step!”

Affirmations build momentum.

Using all the elements of OARS—including affirmations—helps clients gain clarity, stay motivated, and take action.

Money Quotient tools provide multiple opportunities to use affirmations. Whether you’re reviewing responses from a Financial Satisfaction Survey or discussing a client’s Wheel of Life, you can highlight strengths and acknowledge what’s already working.

If a client struggles to answer a particular question, let them know that’s okay—shift the focus to something they do have an answer for. The more you use affirmations, the more you’ll see just how powerful they are.

Affirming small steps creates big progress. Lead with affirmations.

Want to Learn More?

Money Quotient trains financial professionals in the True Wealth process and helps them implement the concepts into their practices. The first step is to learn about the Fundamentals of True Wealth Planning.

References and Influences

Delucca, Gina & Jamie Goldstein: Positive Psychology in Practice

Emmons, Robert: THANKS!

Hefferon, Kate & Ilona Boniwell: Positive Psychology

Ivtzan, Itai, Tim Lomas, Kate Hefferon & Piers Worth: Second Wave Positive Psychology

Miller, William: Listening Well

Miller, William: On Second Thought 

Miller, William & Stephen Rollnick: Motivational Interviewing

Reivich, Karen & Andrew Shatte: The Resilience Factor