Derek Hagen, CFA, CFP®, FBS®, CFT™

“Mirroring their words is a way of saying ‘help me understand’ without triggering defensiveness.”

-Chris Voss

I once had a colleague who came up to me with tears in his eyes, who thanked me for truly listening. In a setting where everyone claims to be a good listener, he wanted me to know I’d proven it.

About thirty minutes earlier, he had shared a story about his parents losing mobility and struggling to admit that life was changing. Later, as I explained something else I was working on, I intentionally referenced his parents instead of using my usual hypothetical examples. By using the specifics of his story, I showed him I’d heard and valued what he said.

He noticed.

This simple choice—using the words and examples your clients share—can be a powerful way to build connection and trust.

Reflective Listening

Reflective listening is a strategy where you restate what you believe the speaker means to ensure mutual understanding. It’s more complex than it sounds because there are multiple steps:

What your client means
What your client says
What you hear
What you think the client meant

At each step, meaning can shift or get lost. Reflecting back what you’ve understood allows the client to clarify. Although some refer to this step as “mirroring,” the technical term is “reflection.” You’re reflecting their meaning, not just their words.

It’s tempting to repeat their exact words, but that can sound like a “technique” rather than genuine understanding. Instead, use your own words to show you comprehend their message. This approach helps clients feel heard and usually moves the conversation forward.

drawing of using your own words for reflective listening

For example, if your client says, “My parents aren’t as mobile as they used to be,” you might reflect, “It sounds like they can’t do all the things they once enjoyed.” This tells your client you’re not just listening—you’re interpreting and understanding.

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Mirroring for Connection

While reflective listening involves paraphrasing, there are times when using your client’s exact words can deepen your connection—especially when giving examples or analogies. When you incorporate elements of their own story into yours, you prove you’ve been paying attention.

For instance, if a client mentions their parents losing mobility, and later you explain a concept by saying, “Think about what happens when someone like your parents faces new limitations,” you’re integrating their world into your explanation. This mirroring makes your message resonate more deeply.

Before you speak, ask yourself: Why Am I Talking (WAIT)? If you’re about to reflect, make sure you’re doing it to confirm understanding. If you’re offering an example, consider using your client’s words to reinforce that you listened. If you’re talking simply for the sake of talking, it might be time to pause.

Using your client’s words—whether to reflect their meaning or to create an example—can strengthen your connection and show genuine attentiveness. It demonstrates that you’re not just hearing them, but truly understanding what they’re saying.

In professional relationships, trust is built on understanding, and understanding often begins by speaking their language. By skillfully integrating their words into your responses, you help clients feel seen, valued, and confident that you’re on their side.

Want to Learn More?

Money Quotient trains financial professionals in the True Wealth process and helps them implement the concepts into their practices. The first step is to learn about the Fundamentals of True Wealth Planning.