Derek Hagen, CFA, CFP®, FBS®, CFT™

“It’s not a good idea to respond to what you think the words you believe you heard meant.” -William Miller

In grade school, you may have played a game called Telephone. Everyone would sit in a circle, and the first person would whisper a phrase to the next. That person would whisper what they heard to the next, and so on until the message made it around the circle. What the final person said was usually nothing close to the original. It was funny—but it also showed how easily messages can get distorted.

That same thing happens in real conversations.

When someone shares their thoughts with us, what they say might not be exactly what they mean. What we hear might not be exactly what they said. And what we think they meant might be something else entirely.

That’s where reflective listening comes in.

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The Challenge of Truly Listening

Most of us assume we’re good listeners. But true listening—listening to understand—is harder than we think.

People have tens of thousands of thoughts every day. Many go unspoken, and many are messy or half-formed. When someone starts talking about something meaningful or emotional, especially if they haven’t talked about it before, they may not express themselves clearly. And we might not catch every word they say—or we might be thinking about our response instead of truly listening.

Even when we do hear the words, we still have to interpret them. That leaves a lot of room for miscommunication.

Reflective Listening

That’s why reflection is so powerful. In reflective listening, you offer a guess about what you think the other person meant. You don’t interrupt—you check for understanding. It’s not a test. It’s a way to say: “Here’s what I think I heard. Did I get that right?”

In motivational interviewing, a framework used by coaches, counselors, and planners, there’s an acronym for these listening skills: OARS—Open-ended questions, Affirmations, Reflections, and Summaries.

Reflections are the heart of it. They help us move past assumptions and let the speaker feel truly heard.

Think of the words someone says like the tip of an iceberg. The part above the surface is what we hear. This is where simple reflections live—you repeat or paraphrase what the person said using your own words.

But most of the iceberg is underwater. Below the surface are their emotions, motivations, values, and context. Complex reflections explore these deeper layers. You’re not making things up—you’re gently guessing. You might reflect their emotion, their intention, or both sides of their inner conflict.

For example:

• “It sounds like part of you wants to make a change, but another part of you is nervous about what that might mean.”
• “You’re feeling stuck—and that’s frustrating.”

If you’re wrong, they’ll correct you. And even then, they’ll usually appreciate the effort. You’re not trying to win—you’re trying to understand.

When someone feels understood, they open up. Reflective listening helps people clarify what they think, feel, and want. It doesn’t just build stronger conversations—it builds stronger relationships.

You don’t need fancy language. You don’t need to fix anything. You just need to be present and reflect what you hear with care.

So the next time someone shares something with you—pause before jumping in. Instead of reacting or offering advice, reflect. Give them the space to hear their own thoughts through your understanding.

Want to Learn More?

Money Quotient trains financial professionals in the True Wealth process and helps them implement the concepts into their practices. The first step is to learn about the Fundamentals of True Wealth Planning.

This post originally appeared on Meaningful Money.