Derek Hagen, CFA, CFP®, FBS®, CFT™
“You don’t have to have cancer to be an oncologist” -Seth Godin
Have you ever found yourself in a disagreement with your partner, wondering, How could they possibly think that way? Maybe your child reacts in a way that doesn’t make sense to you, leaving you frustrated and confused.
In these moments, it’s easy to believe that if we haven’t been through what they’ve experienced, we can’t fully understand where they’re coming from. But empathy isn’t about having lived the same experiences—it’s about being able to see the world through their eyes.
Many people mistake empathy for sympathy, assuming that to be empathetic, we have to feel sorry for someone. But empathy isn’t about pity—it’s about understanding. And understanding doesn’t require us to have the exact same life experiences as the people we love.
Subscribe for Updates
Get notified when the latest articles are published.
Shared Experience and Empathy
To truly understand someone, it helps to ask: Why do they do what they do? Every action has a reason behind it—even if it doesn’t make sense to us at first.
Motivation is the “why” behind behavior. And just like adults, children, partners, and friends are always motivated by something—even if they’re not consciously aware of it. When someone seems “unmotivated,” it’s usually because they’re more strongly motivated by something else.
Psychologists have long said that every behavior makes sense when you understand the underlying reason for it.
For example:
- A spouse who seems overly cautious with spending may have experienced financial insecurity in the past.
- A child who refuses to go to bed may not be “defying” you—they may be afraid of the dark.
- A partner who avoids conversations about money may not be irresponsible—they may have grown up in a home where money conversations led to fights.
Understanding this concept makes it easier to empathize with others when we’ve had similar experiences. If we’ve also been scared of the dark, stressed about money, or cautious with spending, we can relate on a personal level.
However, there are two common pitfalls to avoid:
- Believing we can’t empathize if we haven’t been in their shoes. This is what makes many couples struggle to understand each other’s feelings—or parents dismiss their child’s emotions as “not a big deal.”
- Assuming we understand someone’s experience just because we’ve been through something similar. Even if we think we’ve “been there,” their perspective may be entirely different from ours.
Empathy Through Understanding
The truth is, we don’t need to share someone’s experience to understand them.
A therapist doesn’t need to have experienced grief to help someone through loss. A doctor doesn’t need to have had cancer to treat it. And you don’t need to have lived the same struggles as your partner or child to show them empathy.
As Seth Godin puts it, “You don’t have to have cancer to be an oncologist.”
Empathy is about understanding someone’s frame of reference. It means recognizing that if we had lived through their experiences, we might see the world the way they do.
Empathy doesn’t mean we have to agree with someone, and it’s not about fixing their problems. It simply means stepping into their world for a moment—listening, acknowledging, and making space for their perspective.
When people feel understood, they’re more open to connection, conversation, and compromise.
And that’s what builds stronger relationships.
Want to Learn More?
Money Quotient trains financial professionals in the True Wealth process and helps them implement the concepts into their practices. The first step is to learn about the Fundamentals of True Wealth Planning.
This post originally appeared on Meaningful Money.